Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Being Rajan's Mommy

With my little guy's first birthday coming up in the next few days, I have found myself reflecting on what the last years has meant to me, what it has taught me, and what I have learned in my first year of being a mommy to a little boy. I have learned over the years that birthdays have the tendency to do that to you, only in what would normally be your own birthday and turning another year older, I feel like as a mother, it is more like a reflection on what the year has meant to you in an entirely new way. 

Being Rajan's mommy has meant so many things. It has meant that life is not just about me and Darshan anymore, but another human, and in fact, most of the time everything becomes solely about him; and I have learned that I am ok with that. Although I have been known to be a very selfless and giving person, I have also always been a self-described 'selfish' person in the sense that I loved living my life revolved around, well, me. I went to work early, I spent hours and hours on the clock, I came home when I wanted to, I could stop and get my nails done on a whim and went shopping as I pleased, and D the same. We have always been so used to having the kind of relationship where we respected one another's boundaries, were considerate on each other's time, but we also lived a fairly flexible relationship regarding one another's 'me time' and were always happy to be open regarding those little things we liked to do on our own. We would go about our day, and then reconvene in the evening, eat dinner together, and relax on our cozy couch over TiVo and some ice cream. We were selfish, we had a routine, and we liked to live life by the beat of our own drum. Since having Raj, I have not only learned that life isn't that easy any more, but in the same respect, it is so much better. 

You see, being a mommy to this sweet, loving, affectionate, passionate, little boy has taught me more about myself over the last 12 months than I learned in my 28 years of existence before him. I feel as though I have been given another chance to live life, only this time, from the outside looking in. Watching him, teaching him, and giving him new experiences in life is like watching a mirror of myself, my husband, and even our parents, living life all over again from the beginning before any life experience and obstacles have come between us and our journey. He is pure, he is new, and he is a blank, fresh canvas; one that as his mom I get to watch be painted from the beginning. 

Being Rajan's mommy has taught me to live life in a new way entirely. Where he is outgoing and friendly, I am shy and he has brought me out of my shell. Where he is funny and quirky, I have always been a little bit more serious, and he has taught me to loosen up a little. Rajan is adventurous and curious, and although I have always been cautious and highly structured, I have learned to open my heart up to new ideas and to take risks I wouldn't have normally taken. 

I have learned that I no longer live life for myself. And although for some, that means that they have let go of who they once were, and some moms I know have come to resent that, I feel like what I have attempted to do in living for my son, is to live life in the best way possible and to become an even better, hardworking,  and as successful of a person as possible. Instead of letting myself give up and letting go of chasing my dreams, I have found myself even more driven and dedicated to making them happen. 

Rajan is in so many words, the best thing to ever happen to me and Darshan. For so many years, we thought we were living life so perfectly together, as a team, and as we pleased; but what we never realized is that there was a piece of us that was missing... Rajan has been that perfectly fitting puzzle piece. We now live life in an entirely new way, a way that makes this life so much more rewarding and fulfilling. We were always so fearful that bringing a baby into our lives would rock what we felt was so perfect and would disrupt and rattle things, but instead what we have learned is that bringing our son into our life has been our most rewarding and greatest accomplishment yet.

One year of new life, one year of success, and a celebration of an entire year of pure happiness, joy, and bliss with the most perfect little gift from Heaven.

Rajan, my little King, please never stop living and loving life, and I promise to never stop cheering you on and being your biggest fan. You make me so proud every minute of every day to be your mommy, and I thank you for choosing Dad and I to be your parents!

Happy birthday to my world, my heart, my little boy... and cheers to many many more.

With love,
Rajan's Mommy